Last year I was the recipient of some card, astrology and numerology readings from people who kindly reached out to support me through a death in my extended family. Some of those readings resonated with hope and happiness and good fortune for the next year that started for me on Christmas Eve, 2013, because Christmas Eve is my birthday, and that is when I was told – I swear – that “seven years of suffering” would end.
Sounds good, right? Yes it does. Money is coming, a partnership is coming, the realization of what the heck I’m on this planet to accomplish – that too is available to me should I seek it.
Time to practice relentless and continuing faith in life – that it is for me – and faith in myself – that I can do exactly what I need to do without falling into the illusion of lack. Because honestly, I’m so frickin’ blessed. I really am! I have so many friends who love me and who I love. I have smarts, creativity, courage, talents, abilities out the ying-yang! I am building a business that is kickass in its possibilities and its offerings! I know I’m taking off into the wind – I may get bugs in my teeth – but Jesus!!!, what is the alternative? Find safety and then regret that I never “went for it” just when I may have picked up enough speed to truly take off? Am I frightened of some things that are going on in my life? You bet your ass I am. Am I certain that I have all of the talent and ability I need to do what I think I am here to do? Absofuckinlutely! (Thank you, Mr. Big.)
Still, to be honest, there are two honest, authentic, open, and less than pink-and-cutesy feelings I am experiencing today, on this first day of 2014.
One is relief – the holidays are OVER. No more joining the rest of the world in pretending this is more of a time of joy and mercy than any other time of the year. Oh God, we do try to make it special. And if our lives are going well, it can be an absolute BLAST! No question! I had to notice this year, though, that I saw a lot of anxiety surrounding gift-obtaining, gift-giving, and family-mergings. It gave me doubt. I mean, this is the season of giving, when we actually have people arguing in this country about whether the poor should have health care? Seriously???? On the other hand, now, the new Pope gives me hope – did you ever think you’d live long enough to hear a Pope taking stingy rich people to task, and saying homosexuality is okay??? Never. Now that’s some holiday cheer! But the fact that we still reserve the concentration of our love and mercy and joy for one month of the year gives me the crazies, you know?
My second feeling is one of nervousness. In four days it will be time to get back to work finding a day job to support my building of this business and my acting/singing/speaking careers!- as my part-time job is coming to an end. Once I get back to the Bay Area from Cincinnati, that is. One thing the holidays is great bfor is postponing anything related to job searching. I mean, no one is working, anyway! Try to get in touch with temp services when no one is answering the phone but people who reluctantly missed the drunken office party to talk to people who are afraid of January!
I am glad December is over, but I don’t want to face a January full of “responsibilities”, and “back to reality” ‘s and all that. No thank you very much. And that is something I actually have control over – I have to exercise that control, but it’s there, I know it is. So that is what I am going to focus all of my efforts on doing. Screw the scary “reality-voices” in my head – the ones that say all of the negative stuff, all of the fear-based expectation crap that makes me eat too much, and spend time in calming myself down from imaginary futures that are simply not going to happen. I’m going to base all of my efforts on my strengths, and my considerable abilities.
My holiday starts now. I’m taking a lifetime holiday from an allegiance to fear. Screw those voices of fear. How am I going to do this? When they pop up, I’m going to tell them to shut up, and I am going to use a lot of swear words. Then I’m going to say a whole lot of words that are about who and what I really am. And then I’m going to call friends and get even more support in telling the fears to fuck off (I warned you about the swear words…). And then I’m going to walk into the moment, into love, money, friendships, dreams-made-real, and I’m going to watch the miraculous happen. Because the miraculous lives in the moment, so that’s where I want to be.
Jesus, the lies the fear-voices tell! All about, “You can’t do it, Lori!” and “What if you miss it???? You’d better stop sleeping, and just keep both eyes open for clues and cues, girl!” Bullshit! I am the most responsive person I know! When doors open, I run through them! And when I need to kick some of them in because I hear possibility calling from the other side, I do it! So I have nothing to fear. And fear can kiss my butt. I have joy to do!
So, Lori, Happy 2014! The old days are done. Thank God. And I have a vacation that I am still on for four more days, so excuse me while I get back to it.
Cheers!
Love and Moxie –
Lori
The Goodbye Good Girl Project 